Have you hit a point where it feels like everything about your spouse is bad? Perhaps the good moments are so overshadowed that your feelings for them are fading. If this resonates, I want to start by saying: I’m sorry. I know how heavy that place can feel.

If you haven’t already, now may be the time to set a boundary and insist on seeking help together—whether through a book, podcast, a course on marriage or seeing a counselor.

But for many couples, the reality is more nuanced. Most spouses are a mix of good and not-so-good. And often, the difference lies in the lens you choose to view your partner through.

Let me share a story to explain.

A Lesson in Perspective

One summer afternoon years ago, I took a quick nap. When I woke up, I grabbed my glasses, hopped in the car, and headed to the grocery store. But as I drove, everything seemed...off. My vision was blurry, and I struggled to read labels at the store. A creeping sense of panic set in—what was happening to my eyes?

Back home, I called an optometrist friend, but she didn’t answer. I started pacing, my concern growing. When my wife Patty came home, I unloaded all my fears on her.

Patty, calm as ever, looked at me, sighed, and said, “It might help if you actually had the lenses in your glasses.”

I pulled off my glasses, and sure enough, I’d been walking around with empty frames. Sure enough, the lenses were neatly stacked on the bed where I’d napped.

That day, I learned an important truth: the lens you’re looking through makes all the difference. The same applies to marriage: the way we choose to view our spouse can shape how we feel about them—and, ultimately, how we treat them.

The Three Lenses in Marriage

1. Rose-Colored Lenses

In the early days of a relationship, we often see our spouse through rose-colored lenses. Everything feels amazing—full of love and joy. Both partners are trying to make deposits into the relationship while avoiding withdrawals.

The good far outweighs the bad, and we dismiss any flaws or annoyances, assuming things will get better with time. But rose-colored lenses can also set us up for disappointment when reality eventually sets in.

2. Dark Lenses

Over time, unmet expectations, unresolved issues, or lack of influence can shift our perspective. When rose-colored lenses come off, we may replace them with dark lenses where all we notice are the negatives.

This critical perspective leads us to forget the good in our spouse, even rewriting history to fit how we currently feel. The more criticism we offer, the less our spouse feels appreciated or respected, creating a cycle of negativity.

When looking through dark lenses become the norm, unhealthy patterns take hold, and the relationship feels like it’s spiraling downward.

3. Clear Lenses

To truly thrive in marriage, we need clear lenses. Clear lenses allow us to see both our spouse’s strengths and weaknesses. They help us recognize our partner as a human being, not a villain.

When we view our spouse with clarity, we don’t ignore the challenges—we learn to address them in a loving, effective way. Clear lenses allow us to engage with reality, not fantasy or resentment, and work toward genuine change.

Sometimes We Need a New Prescription

Like my story with the glasses, sometimes it’s not about getting rid of the lenses but adjusting the prescription. Here’s what that might look like:

• Acknowledging Bias: Over time, our perspective can become skewed, leading us to focus only on what’s wrong with our spouse.
 

• Letting Go of Control: Often, we assume that fixing our spouse will fix the marriage. But this approach usually leads to frustration and withdrawal.
 

• Seeking Clarity: Instead of rose-colored or dark lenses, we need the balanced perspective of clear lenses—one that sees both the good and the areas for growth.

Ready to Take the Next Step?
Don’t wait until negativity takes over—take a step toward clarity today.

My “Marriage Renewal Academy Podcast” launches in January 2025, packed with strategies to help you thrive together. Email me at [email protected] to be notified when it’s live!